I read online somewhere that “almost” is the saddest word because it means it could’ve been what you wanted but it never reached there. Think about it. “They almost made it” “He almost survived” the conclusion to these sentences is there was a chance of whatever they wanted or desired but it did not happen. Sometimes life throws daggers at you. You either dodge it with less than an inch away from your body or you get stabbed and learn how to deal with it.
I’ve been putting off writing for a while because I didn’t know where or how to start. I feel like I escape through writing but there was so much inside of me and I was unsure how to release it. This is a personal story of mine that is still a bit too close to the heart but I thought if I wrote about it, it’ll help me.
I once fell in love with someone and as much as I hate to admit it, I still am in love with them. I spent so much of life trying to be strong and be someone who never gave their everything to anyone in fear of getting hurt. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with anyone until him. Sure, I’ve been in like with many people but I don’t think it was ever love.
He came into my life fast and it was almost like a brick hit me with this person. I was overwhelmed, confused and frankly I just wasn’t sure what was happening. We moved into a relationship faster than I’ve ever been in. It was passionate, intimate, we loved each other so much but because of all those things, the relationship became a mess. I don’t know the real reason behind our mess but I think it was because we loved each other too much. We didn’t know how to handle our emotions and we spiraled many times from passion whether it was anger or love. We hurt each other deeply. Isn’t it interesting how we tend to do the most damage to the people who we love or love us the most. I think, as humans, we try to push away people who mean the most to us in fear of getting hurt.
How could one person make me feel so insane and crazy yet make me feel like I’m their world? It never made sense to me. He was the one who would damage me yet he was the only one who could make me feel better. I started losing myself and I knew I had to do something.
The story ends in a break up. I think that was inevitable. I’ve sat through countless nights thinking what if we just met later on, what if we were better than that and we just met at the wrong time. I know we didn’t end because there was no more love. As easier as that would’ve been for both of us, that just wasn’t the case. We ended because we fought too much and we were both stubborn. We both lost ourselves trying to be with each other. It still breaks my heart every time I think about it. It was like we were on a rollercoaster 24/7 with no stops and just a lot of loopdy-loops.
I think we tried to be someone who we just weren’t for each other. Not saying that we weren’t being our true selves, I just don’t think we found out who we really were before trying to fit into a mold of each other that we created.
Break ups are not easy. When we first broke up, I was so busy that I thought I was completely fine until a month and a half later it hit me harder than anything. I’m still trying to figure out a life without him. It’s hard because we were so serious and intertwined with each other’s lives that being alone felt alienating. I felt like a piece of me was missing and to be frank, it was missing because he had my heart.
I’ve been reading quotes after quotes trying to make myself feel better, doing things to keep me busy and just learning how to deal with my emotions. I’ve had a lot of support around me to those who I have talked to (which isn’t that many people because I don’t like feeling weak and a burden) have helped me deal with this.
As much as I wanted to scream and make him feel like he lost the best thing in the world (haha, maybe a part of that is still true in my eyes), I wish him all the best. I hope he finds happiness and I hope he wishes the same for me too. Do I wish things went differently? Yes. Do I know it could have? Yes. But maybe this was how it was all meant to be. Maybe we both needed to grow and maybe it wasn’t with each other but alone or with someone else.