I read online somewhere that “almost” is the saddest word because it means it could’ve been what you wanted but it never reached there. Think about it. “They almost made it” “He almost survived” the conclusion to these sentences is there was a chance of whatever they wanted or desired but it did not happen. Sometimes life throws daggers at you. You either dodge it with less than an inch away from your body or you get stabbed and learn how to deal with it.

I’ve been putting off writing for a while because I didn’t know where or how to start. I feel like I escape through writing but there was so much inside of me and I was unsure how to release it. This is a personal story of mine that is still a bit too close to the heart but I thought if I wrote about it, it’ll help me.

I once fell in love with someone and as much as I hate to admit it, I still am in love with them. I spent so much of life trying to be strong and be someone who never gave their everything to anyone in fear of getting hurt. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with anyone until him. Sure, I’ve been in like with many people but I don’t think it was ever love.

He came into my life fast and it was almost like a brick hit me with this person. I was overwhelmed, confused and frankly I just wasn’t sure what was happening. We moved into a relationship faster than I’ve ever been in. It was passionate, intimate, we loved each other so much but because of all those things, the relationship became a mess. I don’t know the real reason behind our mess but I think it was because we loved each other too much. We didn’t know how to handle our emotions and we spiraled many times from passion whether it was anger or love. We hurt each other deeply. Isn’t it interesting how we tend to do the most damage to the people who we love or love us the most. I think, as humans, we try to push away people who mean the most to us in fear of getting hurt.

How could one person make me feel so insane and crazy yet make me feel like I’m their world? It never made sense to me. He was the one who would damage me yet he was the only one who could make me feel better. I started losing myself and I knew I had to do something.

The story ends in a break up. I think that was inevitable. I’ve sat through countless nights thinking what if we just met later on, what if we were better than that and we just met at the wrong time. I know we didn’t end because there was no more love. As easier as that would’ve been for both of us, that just wasn’t the case. We ended because we fought too much and we were both stubborn. We both lost ourselves trying to be with each other. It still breaks my heart every time I think about it. It was like we were on a rollercoaster 24/7 with no stops and just a lot of loopdy-loops.

I think we tried to be someone who we just weren’t for each other. Not saying that we weren’t being our true selves, I just don’t think we found out who we really were before trying to fit into a mold of each other that we created.

Break ups are not easy. When we first broke up, I was so busy that I thought I was completely fine until a month and a half later it hit me harder than anything. I’m still trying to figure out a life without him. It’s hard because we were so serious and intertwined with each other’s lives that being alone felt alienating. I felt like a piece of me was missing and to be frank, it was missing because he had my heart.

I’ve been reading quotes after quotes trying to make myself feel better, doing things to keep me busy and just learning how to deal with my emotions. I’ve had a lot of support around me to those who I have talked to (which isn’t that many people because I don’t like feeling weak and a burden) have helped me deal with this.

As much as I wanted to scream and make him feel like he lost the best thing in the world (haha, maybe a part of that is still true in my eyes), I wish him all the best. I hope he finds happiness and I hope he wishes the same for me too. Do I wish things went differently? Yes. Do I know it could have? Yes. But maybe this was how it was all meant to be. Maybe we both needed to grow and maybe it wasn’t with each other but alone or with someone else.


Ever since I was a little girl I remember wanting to live in New York City. To me, it was truly a magical city. A little back story – I grew up most of my life in Gold Coast, Australia. Something about all the lights, the yellow cabs and the full city life had me excited. When I was 18 I moved out to New York City alone for college. I first lived in Brooklyn and loved every minute of it but sometimes life kind of gets in the way of your dreams.

When I was 20, I moved to New Jersey and spent three years there. I remember thinking to myself that I felt like I had it all then lost it. I was living in my dream city then all of a sudden I felt like I was back in the middle of a suburb. It honestly wasn’t that far from Manhattan. As a matter of fact, I could get into the city in 30 minutes on a good day. I was young and I just felt a bit lost.

Fast forward to when I turned 22. I am currently now 24 so about two years ago I finally moved back into New York City. This time I wasn’t living in Brooklyn, I was living in Manhattan. It felt simply amazing. I had just gotten accepted into a school I never thought I would. I had just gotten out of a very long term relationship. Everything was new, exciting and I felt like I had a fresh start. This time, I thought, is going to be it. I did live up my life. I started dating boys, going out with my friends and exploring. I spent every minute trying to fill it with new and exciting adventures.


Now as I am sitting here at age 24, I have discovered how lonely this city actually is. Don’t get me wrong, I still absolutely love it and it will always have a place in my heart. I used to go on these walks (when it was warmer outside) for about two hours every single day. My favourite place (believe it or not) is Times Square. I think it’s something about all those lights and what attracted me to this city in the first place. I used to walk through Times Square as part of a routine every night. I would put my headphones in, play some of my favourite music and just somehow get lost in this city. The more I did that, the more I realized there were always hundreds of people near me yet I knew none of them. It felt alienating and it felt lonely.

I still feel a bit lonely in this fast-paced city that I live in. Sometimes I wish I could take a step back from this giant current we’re all speeding through in and watch. This city is beautiful, there is always something to do and every single day is a new adventure. With that comes along the loneliness (as expected, a city can’t be perfect). I guess I’m just writing this post to share just how I feel in the special city to let others know I’m in that boat with you. A big city can be scary, it can feel lonely but I try my best to get through every day and love it for what it is.


So my cousin is a food blogger (@restaurantgroupie – go follow her!) and she got invited to this event in Long Island City called NYC Dessert Fest. I know they are still open on March 24 and 25th from 12pm until 6pm if you can go. Get yourself a ticket! There were so many awesome food vendors here. From the famous Lady M cakes to the new and trendy Supermoon croissants. There were also so many cute areas decorated for you to take the perfect picture or boomerang!